Adapting to adolescence: How Lower Secondary parents can support their children

The Yew Chung International School of Beijing recently held a graduation ceremony for our rising Lower Secondary students in Years 5 and 6. This joyful celebration marked an important step in their academic careers, transitioning from Primary School to the much more responsibility- and academically-driven Lower Secondary School section.

However, this transition is far from solely an academic one for our new Lower Secondary students. This increase in responsibility coincides with some of the most challenging emotional and social changes that children of this age will experience in their lives: puberty and adolescence. It is essential that parents provide the proper support for their children so that they don’t become overwhelmed.

Ron Drisner, long-time School Counselor at YCIS Beijing, offers five fantastic tips guaranteed to help parents of young adults support their children.

Invest in the Relationship

So much more relies on the relationship between you and your child as they turn 12 or 13. The foundation of parenting a teen is to have a genuine relationship. That involves quality time spent together with them, not just on tasks but in having fun. Doing that regularly shows they’re important, and allows them to get to know you. At the same time, your kids are also changing; you can’t assume you know them.

Adolescence is developmentally, socially, mentally, and emotionally, one of the biggest changes your kids experience in their lives, featuring rapid change happening in a very short time. Spending time with them provides a stabilizing influence; their other relationships may change, but if they know mom and dad are there and spend time with them, it’s a safe space to which they can always return.

Keep Lines of Communication Open

This flows out of maintaining your relationship with your child, but make sure to also offer communication lines where they feel they can talk with you about anything. Parents often have a schedule, like immediately after school, where they encourage their kids to speak with them; however, kids don’t always adhere to our schedule for when they want to communicate. Being available constantly available is important as they’ll talk when they want to talk.

When they do talk, be ready to listen. It’s easy to get distracted by electronic devices, so make sure you put the phone down when your kid wants to communicate with you! When you communicate, make sure you encourage and not focus on what they’re doing wrong, but rather focus on what they’re doing right. Your kids are most likely doing way more right than wrong!

Be purposeful and intentional in the way you praise, not just in what your child has accomplished, but also in affirming who they are intrinsically as individuals, e.g. being a caring person, available to their friends, encouraging, and so on.

Expressing Love

It’s easy to do this when you have little kids through hugs and kisses, but when children enter their teen years, this habit often seems to stop. It’s important to continue to show and express your love for your child through words and physical affection to show that you care. Teenagers don’t stop needing that, no matter how much they act like they don’t want it!

Have Reasonable and Clear Expectations

Conflict frequently flows out of unexpressed, unclear, or unreasonable expectations. Part of effective communication is conveying expectations and then getting your child’s feedback. They may say it’s unreasonable, whether it’s around academics or freedom, such as their curfews. Kids do need more freedom as they grow up, so parents need to adjust their expectations accordingly. To know what’s reasonable takes parents listening and giving things a try, followed by either positive or negative consequences depending on whether or not the child met the expectations set down.

Stay Consistent

This to all of the four habits above and to parenting in general! Kids, regardless of age, love routines. Maintaining all of these habits consistently creates a sense of stability and safety in a time in your child’s lives when there’s not a lot of it. It gives them a safe place that’s predictable to come back to and relax, not just physically in the home but also socially and emotionally.